Father-daughter chat series 1: Marshmallow test and danger of instant -gratification

There was a test conducted by Walter Mischel during 1960s at a preschool on the Stanford University campus. The researcher left a group of 4-year olds in a room with each one of them had one marshmallow with them. They were allowed to eat the marshmallow, but if they can wait 15 to 20 minutes until the researchers returned to the room, they can have two marshmallows for the treat.

The result: About one thirds of the 4-year olds waited until the researcher returns and got two marshmallows. A third or so didn't and ended up with only one marshmallow. What more striking is that when the same kids reached to high school graduation, the ones who couldn't wait had much lower SAT scores than those who could. In other words, by measuring your capability to resist instant gratification at early age we can predict your future success.

This is a test of self control, or what Walter Mischel described as "goal-directed self-imposed delay of gratification". It shows the importance of EQ or Emotional Intelligence to our success. And it is a better indicator of person's success than IQ.

Now imagine some other situations that need impulse control: abstinence, watching TV vs. reading a book, etc. With the temptation of instant-gratification, can you still maintain your control?

We live in an instant-gratification time; Internet ensures your gratification is met at speed of thought. Want that new movie in Blue-Ray? Several clicks through Amazon and it will show up at your doorstep a couple of days later. Can't wait to talk to the old friend face to face? Hop on MSN or AIM and turn on the webcam, you can talk to her or him right away. Now ask yourself as a parent: are you encouraging your kids into the activities that require delayed gratification? Would you take that computer or iPod away from kids and hand them the books and newspapers? Or even better, can you help your kids to divide the gratification into sub goals, make actionable plans to achieve these sub goals, and enjoy not only the final gratification but also every minute of the process?

Book Review: Paper Daughter A Memoir by M.Elaine Mar

From a perspective of an immigrant parent of an America born Chinese kid, reading the masterfully written Paper Daughter is a wake-up call. You see this talented little kid everybody loved back in Hong Kong struggled to fit in the life in America. Her parents worked like slave in restaurant, earned very little and spoke very little English. And they offered little help to little Elaine, as they themselves struggled to adjust life there too. This book offers an insight into the pain and struggle of an immigrant kid growing up in classed America.

The appearance: The author was born on Oct. 1^st, 1966 in Hong Kong. She graduated from Harvard University in 1988.

The perception: Many Chinese parents would think the author's parents are a success. Having an Ivy league trained kid means a lot in Chinese culture. The facts: The author's father immigrated to US in 1969 with the help of his sister (who supposedly is a US citizen), and the author and her mother followed him in 1971. When in US, both parents worked in a restaurant kitchen. They don't speak English, and they made $18000 combined per year in 1980 (not sure about the poverty line then, but I would think they were very close to it). With low social economic status and compounded by the author's own language barrier in early years in the US, the author struggled to find her identity growing up. And from the book, it seems the scar never heals.

The problem: Usually Chinese kids tend to focus on building up their IQ in their education, but not much attention has been put on EQ (Emotional Intelligence). The fact that the author can get into Harvard from the low-education, low-income family she grew up from says a lot about her high IQ. Yet even with the success she had in the academics, she still sheds a more negative light on her childhood. Glass is half empty here. Contrast to another book Big Russ and Me by Tim Russert, who also grew up in a family where parents are low-educated and medium-income(Russert's father is a city employee in upper New York city of Buffalo). In Russert's book, he painted a brighter picture of his mother and father, even though in reality his father and mother divorced. Glass is half full there.

Chinese parents tend to pay a lot more attention to kid's IQ development, and the high percentage of Chinese kids in IVY league school attest to this effort. But life, no matter how smart you are, is not a fair game. Things you deserve may not come to you and you have to take it and move on. How we Chinese parents better develop our kid's EQ while maintain our investment in IQ is going to be question we have to answer as the kid grows.